Apparently I am full of irrational fears.
It's amusing how once you birth children, the world becomes an amazingly dangerous place. Suddenly your child-less friend's living room is like a mine-field -- all those pointy, sharp corners on the coffee table; the fragile, glass knick-knacks that glitter and beckon to your wee one; the jagged stone fireplace base that screams stitches required for all forehead trippers; the tiny, precious bric-a-brac that would lodge perfectly in your child's throat if they are allowed to get it into their drooly mouth; the ever present flat screen TV that threatens to smoosh your wee one into nothing-nesss. Well, today's story is nothing about those fears.
It's about something that is so much more realistic and likely to happen... an evil arachnid eating your face off as you innocently relieve yourself in the lavatory.
Over the weekend, I went to sit down on our throne to simply pee. As I pulled my pants down and my dimply cheeks hit the toilet seat, I glanced to my immediate left at the bathroom vanity where the toilet paper dispenser thingy is. To my absolute horror, I saw THIS SPIDER.
The Evil Beast was sitting on top of the toilet paper preparing to launch itself at my poor, unsuspecting self -- and at one of my most vulnerable moments! I had my pants around my ankles. I promise you, if I hadn't already been sitting on the porcelain throne, I would have wet myself right then and there!!! I could tell The Spider was contemplating which part of my face was the most tasty, trying to decide if he should first go for my plump cheeks, or the whites of my eyeballs... I was so frightened that I almost forgot how to scream.
Mind you, I said ALMOST!
I let out an impressive blood-curdling scream that was truly worthy of a teeny-bopper meeting her end in a slasher horror flick.
I heard a stampede of tiny feet flinging their bodies towards the bathroom door to see what all the hullabaloo was about. Little Man was the first to arrive.
While I pointed in terror at The Spider still happily occupying the top of the toilet paper roll, Little Man took one look and said, "Eww!" and then ran for the safety of my bedroom.
Diva was next to arrive on the scene. She quickly spotted the intruder and shrieked, "Ann! Quick! Grab your pants!" I was still so panic stricken that I had not moved a millimeter.
Little Princess barrels into the bathroom. When she sees what we are all freaking about, she heaves a huge sigh, rolls her eyes and says, "Oh please! It's just a a tiny spider." With a quick flick of her wrist, she launches The Spider off the top of the toilet paper and throw the air AT ME!!!!!!!!
Insert another mind-blowing scream! Along with every limb I own flaying wildly around me. My hair is flinging round my head, my arms and legs are doing the crappie flop as if I have been electrocuted or stung by a thousand bumble bees at once!!!
I don't need to share the rest of the story that may, or may not, include tripping myself with pants around my ankles, undies flying one direction and an even more undignified fall head first into the safety of the hallway. it will suffice to say -- It wasn't pretty.
But I am happy to report that I escaped The Spider unscathed. However, the sad news is, The Spider is still at large in my home!
Oh and for the record, apparently, Little Princess (age 5) says The Spider was only THIS BIG:
who are you going to believe?
The five-year old or ME?!?